Is it OK that I called them lesbians?
It just makes the story better is all.
My name is Bones Rodriguez, and I’m an actor born and raised in New York City where I live with my wife and son. We live on the upper west side where I grew up, but New York is a much different place than when I was growing up here.
I was very upset when Disney changed 42nd street because all through my adolescence I was looking forward to being old enough to go to the porn stores and pick up a hooker or something.
I had big goals.
But the reason I tell you all of that is to let you know that I say what’s on my mind.
New Yorkers are said to be rude, but actually we’re just “truthful”.
That’s one reason I haven’t made the move to Hollywood yet.
The other is that Spielberg hasn’t called yet.
Been there, lived there, shot stuff there, but haven’t made the switch.
I like when people tell you what’s on their mind instead of lying to your face, and talking trash behind your back. I recently found out that a casting director has been doing that because of a comedy choice I made in a recent audition.
I told a new actor that, and she was horrified “Oh no… you men you’re BLACKLISTED?!?!” like it was the end of my life or something.
It made me think of this story:
“That Time 4 Lesbians Kicked Me Out Of An Audition”
So this is back when I was still non-union doing the hustle of freelancing with different commercial agents. When one called me, I made sure to tell the others that “so and so beat you to me”.
That’s a tip. Always let them know when they missed out on making money with you.
I was getting pretty popular as this “ethnically ambiguous” smiley guy;
- If you want someone definitely black, it isn’t me (even though I partly am).
- If you want someone definitely latino, it isn’t me (even though I totally am)
- If you want someone definitely Arabic/middle eastern/Egyptian, it isn’t me (even though I have great eyelashes)
When you want all three looks while only paying for one- I’m your guy.
Especially if you wanted him to sound “ethnic, but not too ethnic”.
I can say that.
Directors can’t; they try, and they speak in code words like “urban” or “standard”. I even had one guy tell me to “white it up”, but hey- I knew what he meant, I did it, and I got paid.
But this time I was going in for HARLEY-DAVIDSON.
Y’know, the motorcycles.
No, I’ve never been on one.
Never on a Harley,
Or a Davidson.
Or a motorcycle for that matter.
Remember, I was born and raised in New York City.
But… I guess they called me in because they wanted to… expand their demographics?
Maybe there weren’t enough Black/Latino/Arabs riding Harleys.
Whatever. I am used to subway surfing, so it’s probably the same thing, right?
I walk into Don Case casting (I even remember that Tisha was running it), and there were 4 nicely dressed pant-suit women at the desk behind the camera.
I say pant-suit women because I expected Harley Davidson execs to be beer guzzling zz top looking guys.
But no, just some… pant-suit women.
I walked in with a few other guys, all wide-eyed at the idea of booking a commercial.
I had already been full-time for a while.
So Tisha says: “Ok Bones, this is pretty simple, we just want you to imagine you’re getting on a Harley for the first time, and we want to see what that feels like..”
And one of the Pants-Suits says “Yeah, like you get a boost of confidence.”
Another one says “Like you feel like a super-hero all of a sudden”
and there was a little bit of a chorus of words in the room, until one just said “Do you know what we mean?”
and I said exactly what I thought they meant, exactly what you are thinking:
“Yeah, I get it- like my Dick just grew bigger…”
Not even a giggle.
I mean, like I whipped it out to show them or something!
Wasn’t this HARLEY DAVIDSON?
Chug a beer, crush it in your hand, and throw it at the suit while you drive away with his girlfriend, HARLEY DAVIDSON?
Actually, one of the other actors started to nod his head like he was about to say the same thing, but when he heard the din of silence that followed my delivery, he froze in place.
Tisha cleared her throat, and walked over to the camera, and just said “and.. action”.
I knew the job was lost, but I’m a pro.
I acted as if my dick had grown bigger.
Not too much (don’t want to frighten anyone away), but just a little bit.
Big, confident smile.
But remember that scene in TOTAL RECALL when the Arnold is about to give up (wait-you knew I was talking Arnold and not Colin, right? RIGHT?) but then he sees the bead of sweat going down the guy’s forehead?
That was me. The guy who Arnold shoots in the head right before the walls come crashing down, and he has to escape before the mind police come and get him.
Except it was the pant suits who shot me in the head, and the door opened with a “Thank You” before I could even say “I’ll be (at the call) back”
Terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger joke. I should really delete that.
As I left, I saw the pant-suit women all start kissing each other and making out as the door closed.
I may have made that last part up, but that’s why I thought they were lesbians.
So what’s the end of the story?
You’re probably hoping that my dick reference got me the job, but I’m sorry to say that I have yet to book a job because of my dick.
Not an ACTING JOB at least (wink, wink-amirite?)
No, the end of this story is that I dont think I went back to Don Case for years after that.
But the reason I didn’t do that is because I went union, started booking big-ass work, and signed with Paradigm, who I have been with for over a decade.
That huge embarassment made not one iota of difference in my career, and so you should stop worrying about that one stupid thing you did one time.
It happened, move on.
Make them regret not using you.
And EVERYTIME you go into an audition room, I want you to imagine your dick just grew!
If you liked this story, were inspired, or think some other people would benefit from it, SHARE IT, I wrote it to affect people who could use some Information, inspiration, and motivation.
And if you want some more of that yourself, get my book “No More Waiters- How To Build Your Acting Business Without A Day Job“