30- Something Women

Wait- Hold-on….

6.3 MILLION Single 30-year-old women?

Sounds like a PARTY to me!!
I tried to explain to my wife that she’s being SELFISH by keeping me all to herself, but she wasn’t having it…. yet.

“I don’t think I’m intimidating”- Oprah basically told her that she seemed “expensive” to keep. I say that she seemed like someone who didn’t “need a man” for anything- so what the HELL am I dating you for? Guys like to be a HERO- no one wants to help someone who doesn’t want them!

“I deserve better than someone who wouldn’t be interested in that”- and that got an APPLAUSE??? An APPLAUSE???
Are you JOKING? With 4 kids, there IS a barrier there- get real! MOST GUYS would NOT be interested in a woman with 4 kids- and not because they’re SHALLOW- but because it’s a WHOLE LOT of responsibility at once! It’s like dating 5 women at once- but not the fun way!

I’m not saying that it’s hopeless, just that to look down on a guy who isn’t interested in that is UNREALISTIC. Besides, I have a feeling that she EXPECTS that, so it happens anyway.

Husbands like to be IMPORTANT- they like to be #1- and so do wives. If you’ve got your JOB first, or your KIDS first, or whatever, guess what-it’s hard for a guy to see himself there.

How awesome was the interview with the Orthodox Sunni Muslim? I am NOT so excited about religion in general, but it was fascinating to have Oprah ask her questions to educate the rest of us. “Do you believe in God?” “You don’t lie, cheat or steal?”

BUT- hold on… Who wants a PERSONAL TRAINER who covers up her body?

How do you know if she’s any good if you can’t see her body?

Any religion that covers women up is NOT for me!

Speaking of religions that aren’t for me:

“We home-school because we want a ‘Christ-centered’ education”

“What’s Two Crosses plus Two Crosses?”

“Salvation?”

“That’s right!”

But hey- that’s what they wanna do, I guess!

Now can I just say how BAD I feel for the woman who’s having trouble with getting pregnant?

It’s not that I feel bad for her trouble, but that she is SO wracked up with guilt about it, and that she is SO angry about it. “My life is about children” she said.

Now look, she’s a hottie, sitting there all proper with her crossed legs and everything; I want he to CHILL OUT, and just have a bunch of sex… and videotape it.

I happened to watch the “after the show” episode which was ALL about this woman, and I posted it on my personal blog.

So- you heard it single guys- 6.3 MILLION single women out there- HAPPY HUNTING!!!

 

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Predator caught, and conjoined twins…

I am a choked-up fool….

yeah, yeah- they caught another predator- good- f*ck him.

But then the TWINS!!!! The TWINS!!!!

What AGONIZING choices- to birth them, to keep them, to separate them-

and they’re ok!!!

Ok, so this is the stuff that gets me- I was a snot-nosed, wet-eyed fool.

One sister keeps the liver, and the other will get her mothers’.
But then one of my friends asked “Who gets to keep the vagina?”
Sicko.
But it DID make me wonder…..

and then Patrick and his DAD!!!

What man doesn’t admire that DAD??

Did you see him SO PROUD of his son?

“The Future Dr. Schneider” was super-cute with his little accent, and saying “I hope the baby follows in my footsteps”- what footsteps?!?!

Paying it forward- There’s nothing like empowering and inspiring people to go for their dreams-
The woman who took the homeless people to “Pursuit of Happyness” had such a great idea.

The other gifts were of course wonderful, but I really believe in teaching people to fish versus giving a fish.

I ‘m looking forward to reading “Measure of a Man”, despite that I know so very little about Sidney Poitier; I just think he’s before my time!

It feels good to say that- it seems like more and more things aren’t!

 

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America’s Debt Diet

Oops! I forgot to write about this one!

Well, lemme say this- Jean Chatzky is cute.

And she’s got money.

Seems like a good catch to me!

But seriously folks, as helpful as this show is, all the advice was about STRETCHING your current income, or lowering your lifestyle- NO ONE WAS TALKING ABOUT CREATING MORE MONEY!!

Sure, a couple of people took new JOBS, but that doesn’t make you RICHER- it makes you TIRED.

No one was advised to try to start a part-time business, or an internet business, write a book, consult with your expertise, sell cookies- whatever!

Speaking of cookies- Those “Smart cookies” looked pretty DAMN tasty to me!

I’m really glad that when the couples got their money together, that their marriages got better too- it’s like money is the energy of choice, and if your partner is making choices behind your back, that’s just beggig for trouble.

 

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Incredible Families- Why I’m scared of kids….

Didn’t the Pete’s seem SO HAPPY before they had kids?

Why does everyone say that?

I think my parents were happy until I came around….sniff, sniff.

My favorite quote of the day: “Let’s just say that there’s a lot of bullets in the gun”

Awesome.

But hold on- he has an appointment with “Dr. Snippy” and he keeps putting it off-

NO KIDDING!!

Why doesn’t SHE go see “Dr. Tie-The-Tubee”?

Anyway- Those African kids must sing REEEEEEAAAALLLLY well, huh?

Normally I’m not big on religious people; I find that religion divides us more often than it unites us, but just as the Catholic Church has been both the best and worst force in humanity, religion can bring out both the best and worst in people.

In this case, I am thrilled that these families felt “God talk to [their] hearts” and had them adopt these african boys. I don’t knkow if I have the capacity to be so generous, but these families religion and spirituality inspired them to take a “step of faith”.

I think it’s beautiful.

And you’re damn right- I’d have a “Seargent Mentality” too!

And then there’s the gay family.

With the FLAMING son.

Ok, I’m not saying they MADE him like that or anything, and I’m glad that he found a place to be, with apparently good role models. No parents are perfect, and these don’t need to be either.
But let’s face it- the second James started talking- I think we all knew what the deal was there.

and quadruplets- sounds like 4 HEADACHES at once!

 

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Oscar Preview Episode…. MY FUTURE!!!!

Hey- I’m an ACTOR, so even though this episode may seem SOOOO BOOORING for most people:

“Ohh- isn’t Abigail SO cute”
“Ooh- 2 DAMES in one show”

For me, I’m watching so I can see what questions Oprah is going to ask ME when I get nominated for best actor.

And that Abigail IS cute, isn’t she?

 

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Death Defying- Oprah Style

Ok, the end of this episode has one of the STRANGEST, CRAZIEST throwaway quotes- I can’t wait to talk about it. But let’s start at the beginning:

“Teddy-Bear isn’t a very manly (name), but…”

And there ya go- that’s why this guy DEFIES DEATH by eating termites, jumping into frozen waters, bites fish’s heads off, eats raw eggs, eats dead zebra carcasses and fights off sharks-

Because they called him “Teddy Bear”

So, instead of becoming an over-weight, furry, cuddly guy, he became “BEAR” and has his own SURVIVAL TV show.

And for the ladies- he got naked. I wanna get all those oohs and ahhhs when I get naked!

And then came the ELECTRIFYING experience!

Did you SEE those pants?
Bleeding out of his EYE?
Wait- 30 MILLION volts?

and what does he say?

“It hurt really bad”- They are friends for LIFE now!

Good thing he was praying to God to help him and his friend out of it:

“Dear God, please send someone to save us from the lightning you sent”
“Dear God, please help me to remember the CPR so I can save the friend you killed”

Yes, I sound cynical, but so what?

By the way- Flash Avalanches are why I don’t ski.

Ok, Ok, also because I’m Latino- I like BEACHES, not SNOW.

Speaking of Latino, then Mr. Diaz’s story- The 747 that not only tried to take off in a storm, but WENT DOWN THE WRONG WAY?????

So then he tells us his whole story- and you can tell how profoundly scary that must have been. He mentioned the other people being engulfed, and screaming, and heat. I wouldn’t wish that experience on anyone.

Well, maybe Kim Jong Il.

So here’s where the craziness started:

Oprah asked if he felt his survival was “divine”, as in if he thought whether or not his escape was ordained somehow, and he said no.

But THEN he started saying that he saw “lights” leaving people’s bodies, and he was convinced that it was their souls. He later said that he’d been changed in that he is now more empathetic towards people, and that he wants his aura to be as bright as possible.

and then he said it:

“I’m trying to get my aura much brighter than all of yours” !!!!!

WHAT????????????

Is getting your aura bright a COMPETITION???

Well, I guess to some. I write about that idea more in my personal blog.

 

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A Bunch of Suprises for Oprah!

I have to admit- The first act, David and Dania is really amazing- like
“WHAT THE F*CK?” They were on “America’s Got Talent” before, Here it is:

But the STAR of this episode, as far as I’m concerned is Sarah Blakely and SPANX-

I AM IN LOVE WITH SARAH BLAKELY.

She had an idea, she took the $5000 she had in her savings, and made her vision into $100 Million in sales- and did I tell you hot HOT she is??

And then she did it:

She gave away ONE MILLION DOLLARS to Oprah’s foundation.

I AM IN LOVE

By the way, when I saw the brothers and their AMAZING feats of strength, I got 5 words for them:

I CAN DO THAT.

ALONE.

Dude- how do you get your LEGS that STRONG??? HOLY CRAP!!!!

39 and 41…. damn.

I felt better when I saw how short one of them was!

I don’t do no crosswords, but I have to admit, I felt a little…. FEMININE
when I was guessing the “Oprah Crossword”

That “Self-Parking Car” was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO lame!!!

But then again, it doesn’t HAVE to do the job really well to do it better than a lot of women, right? It’ll sell until people realize it doesn’t work!

 

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THIS is what I like- Rags to Riches!

Millionaire Mom “Sherry”- Crafty, Cutey, CASH-BABY!!!!

So, she used her cute idea, went to the internet, and started glueing them in her basement. One year later, Their business was bought for 20 MILLION DOLLARS.

Yeah baby.

Now look, there’s a BIG difference between selling stuff out of your basement and moving to a 12,000 sq. foot facility, and 3000 retail stores. It’s an entirely different skill set, and it was pretty evident that she’s learned a lot along the way. As a FAMILY business, their marriage is more likely to last- sorry guys!

Then cutesy grandma Paula Dean came out, sounding like Sherrif Buford T. Justice from Smokey and the Bandit. A broke, single mother of two with AGORAPHOBIA cooks to calm her nerves, and then started selling her sandwiches.

So, we get to watch her cook something, and in one of the funniest Oprah moments, she DROPS THE BOWL into the mixer!

Just as her son was saying “Yeah, I’m nervous- Momma’s on OPRAH toda-” and BOOM!!

Sour cream everywhere!

Then we got to watch some skinny chicks in wedding dresses. I admit- I think I like the cocktail dress the most, but only because it WASN’T a wedding dress!

Then there was the Scrap metal chick- “If he can do it, I can do it”

It became a little bit of a bitch session about the men who didn’t think she;d make it-
Boo-Hoo.

She proved ‘em wrong, and aren’t we all proud.

Bra clips- Meh.
Round changing pad- Good move
Days Ago- Seems like a good idea, seems like a sad state that we need them!

So now, what’s MY woman gonna make to get us rich, huh?
I’ll let you know!

 

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Why is grandma walking around naked?

OK, so I’m all for real beauty at any age and all of that, but I have to admit that I’d be a little freaked out if I saw my grandma NAKED on a billboard in Times Square.

Am I alone here?

All the women on this show were super-cute, and the make-overs are admittedly my favorite things; It’s just neat-o to see this frumpy raggedy thing become a sexy vibrant woman- it’s like magic!

That’s what you gotta do- you gotta find a woman who doesn’t know she’s hot, and then “bring it out” of her- it’s like bargain shopping!

My mom couldda been on the show- she looks great for her age, and I’m SURE she’s watching just waiting to see if anyone beats her!

Hold on- I guess my Mom would be the right age to be on that Times Square Billboard…

That would be worse I think…

“Mom, put your clothes on!”

 

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Wild Hogs… sorta.

Ok, hold it. Four men talking for an HOUR, all about mid-life crises and riding motorcycles-

BUT TALK OF BAGGIN’ CHICKS ON THE ROAD????

C’mon!!!

I’m not saying that they WERE doing it, but guys TALK about it, don’t we?

That’s cool; I was just glad to have a whole episode devoted to calling each other names, writing songs denegrating each other, and over-boasting-

MAN-STUFF BABY!!!!!!

 

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